last week my spanish teacher asked me why i was taking a full load of classes this year, when i obviously have more than i needed to graduate. i was a bit off-set by this question, and basically got the impression that she was really asking me "why the fuck are you still in here, especially if you're just going to shit around?" except, she said it in less colorful words, course.

she does have a point though.

i don't even know why i'm writing about this, since, oddly enough, school hasn't been my proper scapegoat for some time now. for once, i'm not complaining about the stockpiling homework or my life ruined as a result of pseudo-apathy nor my lackadaisical, running in circles, routine; no, i'm still running in circles in my academia, but i'm carouseling in the same way in a different respect.

NEVERMIND.

i don't know what i'm doing. i fucking disgust myself. it's lent; maybe i should abstain from who i really am, a self-loathing dirtbag. i wish i could do that. that would be so nice, but like many things that would make life easier, it's the roughest thing to follow.

and no one who reads this cares except for myself and the one person i've hurt the most. and i'm about to hurt someone else, and then i'll be back in my hollow again, alone. it's possible to not blow this up both ways, but i'm going to eventually and not inadvertantly, because in some way it seems right, as sick as it is.

and to think i used to believe that i was a beautiful person that the whole world was missing out on. it turns out i am scum, and i don't deserve the grace that befalls me at all.

usually i'd seek advice on things like this, but the more i think about it myself, there's nothing i want to hear from anyone except the people i've committed an injustice towards.

cue the audio: karma police.