apathy and complacency are two different things. i know this because at times i can feel indifferent to anything or everything around me, yet at the same time i never feel content. i can be apathetic, but not complacent. never complacent.

i go out to fill a void that i feel in my life. when i'm actually out of the house the void is gone, but i still feel empty, like time is being wasted.

i enjoy my life the most when it feels surreal, cinematic almost, like taking the car out late at night and the appropriate music comes on the radio, highlighting the barren desolation of my emotional landscape, or standing outside with the sunlight saturating my consciousness with profundity.

still, i refuse to believe i was pre-programmed to be a hermit. i've been reaching out with all of my many arms, like an east indian deity, for anything to save me. that's right, i'm looking to be saved, and i don't feel like i'm coming up short, just that i'm not coming out at all.

the inability to relate to anyone - that, for me, is helplessness. but maybe i'm not looking at it all the right way, maybe i just refuse to admit i'm like anyone else for fear of conformity, or even worse, normalcy. i don't know. i'm a fucking queen.