three flavors of ice cream in the freezer... i'll get to that in a minute.

all of these stupid tests for college are fucking gay and expensive. ever since i talked to molly today about college stuff i've began to wonder about the so-called college fund i discovered was in existence as a child. i don't even know if i have any of that money invested for college anymore, since the stock market gets fucked in the ass all the time, and though attentive and observant of stocks and bonds and mutual funds my dad isn't a prodigy of wall street. you could say we've been very unlucky, as far as i can tell, though i'm not really sure anymore since my parents don't tell me anything and i've never been allowed large spending-spree cash flow in my life. also, i basically threw any good chances for academic scholarships out the window with my bad, bad make-me-look-like-i-don't-know-shit grades. financial aid may still be an option, as well as loans, but i'm really counting on making my pre-adulthood swan lake, the cinematic masterpiece that will catapult me into national attention, granting opportunities into prestigious film school programs.

and yes, i am fucking serious about that. someday there will be a total revolution in my writing, with better writing conventions and ideas at my finger tips, abling me to manifest that goddamn work that will set the rest of my life on course. it sounds like an avalanche, and it should, because i've always been about get-rich-quick schemes and shortcuts. of course, i've got to change that.

maybe this blog, which is one of the few things i pay constant attention to, will allow me to reflect on who and what i've become, and all that i am not - subject matter for the movie blender.

on a broad-scale view, it all seems like a great idea to me, but the more i try to flesh it all out, the more i think my mind is just rudimentary mush right now, escalating and translating my unrealistic boyhood fantasies into genuine yet mistakenly passioned ambition.

i don't know how the word "confidence" fits into my creedo.

it's no longer a question of whether or not i'm entitled to becoming this person i want to be, it's a question of whether or not i'm willing to end this endlessly long blog entry, much'a'do about nothing.

except my life.

maybe i should think about curing cancer. when i was young, after wanting to become a ninja and ruling the world, curing cancer was third on my list. it didn't seem so hard back then.

then again, i thought i was jesus for a week.