i am contemplating whether or not i should really ask dr. muckerheide to be my sponsor for confirmation. my mom asked him without my consent, and so, if he accepts to do it, it's cool, i guess. but still. muck and catholicism, who would have thought the two would go hand in hand? i'm actually excited to go to the next confirmation meeting, even though i hate everything about this fucking religion. it's not an irony, but an act of causality that i don't give a fuck about organized worship, yet my parents are practitioners of the most ritualistic bullshit known to mankind. and for all of you guys going, "hell yeah, catholics are gay," just hold on a sec. fuck your bible. fuck your torah. fuck your koran. fuck whatever the fuck siddharta wrote. jesus don't want me for a sunbeam, and it's the fucking truth.

syke.

but really, i don't care about any of it. i mean, i do care. i like that some people feel good about themselves under a communal roof, where they sing and praise whatever great power(s) that be. those types of people find the sense of meaning in their lives easily, whereas i can't seem to find shit in anything. i don't mean to diss on religion and all of that shit, denominational, non-denominational, othodox, unorthodox, whateverthefuck, i don't care. and yes, i know what's in the bible. i know about the commandments, the beatitudes, the seven deadly sins, saul who became paul, and that fruity coat that my namesake got from his dad. it's all interesting, on some level, but i just don't know. everytime i hear a preacher, whatever the denominatiion, make their biblical interpretations and daily life applications, my soul, for all that it's worth, feels nothing. i can't connect, i can't relate, i can't give a fuck, even if i tried.

so it's funny for me to be in the youth group scene again, to go through the motions of asking god for his blessings while holding hands with teenagers who probably believe all of the shit they hear during a liturgy. fucking campers. fucking koombaya motherfuckers who have it easy, who don't need to try and have faith in anything, they just do. ignorance is fucking bliss.

my blasphemous uncle, in the philippines, who is rewriting the bible, told me that i may live to see the end of the world. crazy motherfucker.

it's no accident that i grew up to be so scornful of this shit, since it was forced down my throat and up through the other end as well.

and then there's the issue of my editorial on nhs. don't get me fucking started. what is honor? grades? if that's honor, i'll just keep the c- in my junior year of journalism, thank you very much. and then i'll get the queen to knight my ass "sir," and then we'll see how you "hardworking scholars" like to fuck with the better lifeforces of this morbid-fucking landscape. assholes.

make fun of the emotional young men and angry young women all you want. we're all going through the fucking pavement anyway.

if i've got once inch of decency left in my body, i'm going to use it to plant a flower.

i've finally figured out why i'm going to be alone for the rest of my life. here it is: FUCK YOU, JEW. I QUIT.