i don't do anything anymore. surely, i follow through my schedule of going to school and swim practice, but if i didn't have some other power organizing my life for me, i'd be sitting in front of this computer 24/7. my guardian angels get too much rest. "pathetic" isn't the right word, but it's the first word that comes to mind.

sometimes i write the same thing over and over in this weblog. at least it feels this way, because i could have sworn i wrote about this subject before. but, whatever. my life is full of redundancy and repetition and routine and relapses. "stagnant" isn't the right word, but it's the first word that comes to mind.

i'm waiting for a GRAND REASON. a reason to do something grand, a reason that is grand in itself. a reason to choke, hold, fight, kill, love, hate, anticipate, mangle, crumble, distintegrate, follow, catalyze, grow; a reason to add every other verb in the english language to my repetoire. "motive" isn't the right word, but it's the first word that comes to mind.

instead of going to the kitchen to bleed myself with a serrated steak knife, i'm going to drink a couple glasses of water, take 1000 mg of vitamin c, and guzzle down a glass of milk. maybe i'll do some homework, or maybe i'll just sit back down in front of this slow-processing computer and wallow in guilt of not doing anything productive. "um..." is probably the right word, and the only one i don't mind.