as any of my sundays start out, my family and i attended the noon mass at st. anthony's. to me, baptisms are just a reason for people to dress up in front a large congregation, and i could care less who or why people dip their babies in holy water. the priest spoke of today as "the most important day of their lives," for the babies, just because they got baptised today.

i don't even know the date of my own baptism, but may just as well be ignorance on my part.

after church, i wasted so much time online, staring blankly at the computer screen. it's an obscenely unhealthy way to spend my time, i know, but it's my routine. it's within my comfort zone. it's all i know.

normally, i don't really give a fuck about my birthday. sure, i get some money and perhaps a sweater or two from relatives, but i could care less.

oh geez, i'm a year older from my last birthday; the earth went all the way around the sun, refuckingjoice.

however, i'm just looking forward to this year's birthday, for a couple of reasons. firstly, it'll be a saturday, which means i won't have to be in prison (school). secondly, my birthday is an incentive for ahh-mee to chill with me, on a saturday.

that may sound totally gay to some of you, but that's fucking righteous in my eyes.

get well soon, amy.

after being online for god knows how long, it was 5 o'clock when linda and derek started badgering me about our calculus session tonight. after watching what was a very disappointing rerun episode of smallville, my mom took me over to rj's.

right when i got there, everyone was on the topic of us dropping the class. i've always thought independent study calculus has been a fruitless, uneducating endeavor, but i never really thought about dropping the class until then. after moping around for a while, while eating some of rj's grandmother's yummy lumpia, we all decided on a burst of spontaneity to go somewhere fun.

we all loaded into derek's ford explorer, and drove up to philip arnold's park. we swang on the swings, and got sick because we had just eaten. after swinging, we made a great big leaf pile out of the brown/dead leaves on the playground, and then we took turns jumping over it.

i love to jump.

out of nowhere, kim spots a yellow flashing light, and if it was a renton park's department security officer, i don't know, because we just ran for it. i yelled "duck!" but everyone decided running was a better idea. some of us nearly fell as we ran off a ledge toward's derek's car, and once we got inside, derek barely got us out of the parking lot, when his car battery suddenly died. luckily, it wasn't really dead, and we sped off, derek taking "the longer and more exciting" way, supposedly giving us a more exhilirating ride.

you're not supposed to be out in king county parks after dusk.

we didn't learn out lesson, and so we drove to talbot hill. we walked on to the bridge/crosswalk that over looks the road towards rj's house, as cars sped under it, wobbling the structure. it was pretty cool. i tried spitting on cars, but i had pretty shitty timing.

they let me drive back to rj's. i'm not very good at driving yet, and i'm supposed to be taking my driver's test in a month!

once we got back, i reverted to my depressed state. at that point, my mind was completely devoid of motivation to do any work. at that point, i knew for sure that i had lost all knowledge of the meaning of "diligence."

it had simply left my vocabulary.

if you could sum me up in one word, it would be "underachiever." at this point in my life, at least. rj and i got to talking, and it's clearly evident that my fucking-up will lead me to the thing i fear most: mediocrity.

mediocre joe-er.

i don't know if i can pull myself out of the holes i dig. everyday, they just keep getting deeper and deeper, and more and more do i lose sight of the sun, or natural light for that matter.

it's either i become a rockstar, or a groundbreaking film-maker, otherwise i die with a malcontent frown on my face. surely, i could be a pharmacist, doctor, computer programmer, drug dealer, but all of those are just lives that i couldn't truly live. i'd be pretending to be someone else.

fame has to be in my name, or i'm no one at all.

it's probably an inferiority complex, where i have to believe that i'm better than everyone else, and that i deserve a certain spotlight. but if i explain everything i do as a diagnosed "complex," then everything would just be fake and meaningless. existentially, there would be no point to improving myself.

so, i don't know. things are really fucked up right now, and being the drama queen is all that feels natural right now. maybe i just need some rest.

on the way home, i told kim that i want to drop journalism next semester. i'm not a journalist, that's for sure. to be honest, i don't really care about the paper as much as some of the other people do. i care about the writing, but at times, it doesn't feel right. i'm not used to being taught a writing style, since writing was always a natural thing for me. ms. zuckerman believed in me, and in believing in myself, things flowed out of me in the necessary and appropriate structure.

journalistic writing is hard, and i am one to give up easily.

although, i figure i can't be mad at the world forever. i guess i'm just waiting to be acknowledged by gee-oh-dee, waiting with hope that something divine will pick me up out of the gutter, and carry me on their shoulers to a room full of diamonds and love.

basically, i don't live in reality, and no matter how many times my world gets turned upside-down, it'll never be rightside-up.

this is where i break down and cry, in a dark empty room.