i need to work on being nice, because recent experiences have shown me how nice people get all the big boomin' opportunities.

but doesn't that contradict playing hardball?

wait, i figured it out -- be nice for love, play hardball to get ahead in everything else.

i have fucking solved this big hulking mystery of my life!

really, i think i'm getting somewhere.

does the post below make me seem like a bad person? i don't know. i had a really emotionally intense dream last night, but i can't remember what it was about. i just know that i woke up this morning feeling weird. and yeah, i'm pretty sure i wasn't just fucking in it the whole time.

there's a pattern to the content of my dreams: running away, falling in love, and dreaming of normal circumstances in which it seems like i'm awake. somehow i think my subconscious life and and reality overlap sometimes, or, at least, spill into each other... it's hard to explain.

where has mr. sun been, lately?

i suppose i haven't written very in here lately, since i've had other places and means to vent, some more public than others. but i do consider this my primary blog, and so to keep it alive, i'm going to let you all in on some of my headaches and sun beams.

i am at a difficult place with my parents right now. they just got my grades, and so they don't trust me with shit, yet at the same time, i guess they've realized they can't really fix something as broken as i am, and they've left much of the responsibility of digging me out of my own hole to someone proven to be the least qualified -- myself.

and it's alright, i guess. it's time to grow the fuck up, get the fuck out, and move on. at least, that time is approaching, if not waiting to knock me upside the head and drag me unconsciously into my early 20's. simultaneously, i am both anticipating it and not feeling it at the same time.

and this fucking trip to the philippines, is like, a three week-long retreat from the spoiled american lifestyle that has cultured me into the schlub that i am today. i guess it'll be a good wake-up call for me to see how my family over there lives, and it's always an edifying experience to enrich one-self in his slummy roots. in reality, it's not really a lifestyle change, since i won't be living in the barrios indefinitely for the rest of my life, but to throw that way of living at me right now, and to contrast it to how i do right now -- the frozen costco food diet and bed-side socialization afforded to me by the internet -- it's just going to make me go fucking nutso for the duration of the trip.

i do look forward to seeing family, even though i seem quite bitter about going over there. even though i don't get to see them a whole lot, they've really shaped my whole world view and understanding/fascination with people. it's just that the timing of this whole thing couldn't be worse -- i have to get all my college shit in before i leave on the 10th, and yeah. i've always been good in relation to all of my friends, but i feel like i'm going to miss a lot while i'm gone. senior fucking year! it's flying, flying by us like an albatross on crack!

i'm already homesick and i haven't even left yet.

love,
joseph.

besides homework and college applications, i have a lot of things to get done before i leave for the philippines on the 10th, like making myself believe it won't be a waste.

any day now.