i was at my cousin's wedding today. you know how that is.

"don't panic" by coldplay, if you ever wanted to know.

read catcher in the rye by j.d. salinger and watch igby goes down, and then you can sincerely say you know where i'm coming from.

i couldn't help with green team's "trash dash" today because i'm not allowed on renton school district property until further notice. i was thinking about it, and the thought of me recieving a trespassing citation for cleaning up around the school made me feel like warm honey inside. God, i wish i could laugh more at times like this without having that nagging feeling of guilt.

where do i fucking begin.

let's start with the past few weeks in summation: a car crash, a night of cathartic explosion with my parents, and an emergency expulsion.

where do i fucking begin.

i'd rather have been expelled from renton high school for getting into a fight than for the possession of a laser pointer. jesus christ, they seriously want to expell me for that?

heh, my last post talked about the possibility of getting into trouble with this thing.

on what grounds, you ask? apparently the object goes under the classification of "lethal weapons," and thus i am fucked. and apparently, randy co-fucking-nad and derrick dick-line, those shitheads, were shining the laser into other classrooms when i let them see it. i'm probably going to rat out those bitches, or maybe not, i don't know yet. i kind of actually want to see how far they'll take me with this, specifically dr. gary, who's handling my case. this whole thing seems so stupid to me, yet they are genuinely trying to scare me.

there's so much to say about this bullshit, but i'm not going to. i'm beginning to think God is sending me some sort of signal, landmarking my life with events that are making me pessimistic, optimistic, loving, and cynical all at the same time, and i'm supposed to derive some sort of meaning out of all this mess. this fuckedupness. this anything but tragic or heartbreaking lameness. this gayness. this is wrong.

i should have just wrote "expelled" for this blog entry, and left it at that. i'm not even mad anymore, just tired. it feels like the appropriate time to cry, but why bother? i don't even think i have the capacity to do so, seeing as how i used up all my tears on tuesday.

p.s. tyree is the homie, and if he gets in any trouble for what happened today, i'm going to be severely pissed.

p.s.s. when did the world start closing in, trying to fuck me in my ass?

p.s.s. i was trying to think of music to listen to, and i'm beginning to understand why skaters listen to that generic rock bullshit. skaters get in trouble a lot, and they're distrustful of authority and hate posers like myself, so it's understandable as to why they would listen to someone yelling "raaaggghhhhh" over the dissonance of "chugga-chugga" played on an overly-distorted guitar. the closest thing that i like that is in that direction is system of a down, but unfortunately i don't have anything by them to listen to.

still, "goodbye sunshine" by the beatles seems relevent.

i just came back from the matrix: reloaded. the watchowski brothers are on crack, or some other mind-altering drug that allows you to free. your. mind.

psyche.

i don't know what to think about all of that matrix philosophy shit. personally, i kind of liked the thinking aspect of the film, even though all of the speeches were sort of long, and i probably need to see it again to grasp the full meaning of the architect's fucking diatribe.

the funnest part of today, however, was waiting in line hella early to get into the movie. sitting in the front of the line felt hella good. i used to hate the word "hella" 'cuz i thought it was boater, but i'm learning to accept it into my vocabulary, as well as the fact that my enunciation isn't that far from the shore that makes people who've immigrated to this country this year fresh off the boat. besides, i can't be that pretentious, geez.

teehee.

man, there's a whole subculture of matrix fandom that i could find myself immersing in soon, but i'd rather not 'cuz it seems pretty geeky. there weren't that many people waiting in line with their "neo" coats and indoor sunglasses, but i could tell a lot of people there were anticipating this film's release.

i can tell that laser pointer will get us into a lot of trouble into the future, 'cuz i almost caught the can during first period today, and nobody who holds it can resist fucking with people, even though the infrared laser can cause permanent eye damage.

good times.

the problem with life is that there exists no escapism that truly lasts forever, unless you count love, but the only love i know right now is from my parents, and i can't wait until i'm able to geographically distance myself from that love a little bit.

maybe if i got a haircut i could walk up to a hot stranger with enough confidence to start up a conversation about the last book she read, and why it isn't on her school's list of literary classics but should be.

this summer i'm going to work so i can pay for things that other kids have, like a high-resolution cellphone or a girlfriend.

i can't wait until my london friends come to the united states. by then i'll have my driver's license so i'll be able to drive them around and show them the people, places, and things that make up my american life.

i also can't wait until i'm in the philippines again. i miss my family there a lot.

when don't i feel half-empty?

i am not happy and i am not sad and i am only angry when people say things that were never meant to be said, even though i know i shouldn't care.

jew.

i guess seth got in trouble with his grandparents for being at my house after we were at roger's until midnight last night, talking to my mom and dad about the philippines.

jesus christ, i don't know where tribes is going anymore. it's definitely going no where and hell with the current director, keni cohen. it wasn't the actor's fault that they got assed on direction. i honestly wanted to leave during today's show. i was irritated at the obviousness and blatant after-school special direction, and the needlessly long monologues, but i absolutely couldn't stand any of the character's standpoints. that bullshit show gave me a deeper appreciation for what j. paul provided us, mos def.

if there were any saving graces to that show, it should be credited to that small asian girl and alex, the white girl.

dayum nyuga!

but seriously, if i here the word "equality" one more time today, i swear some niggers, spicks, gooks, crackers, and antarticans are going to get fucked up, if not killed.

i loved the fact that today was a half day. what sucked though was when the guys were making fun of my jump shot at the rec center. mean hoopers. i didn't grow up playing basketball, so sue me.

tomorrow is officially MATRIX RELOADED DAY for me at least, baby. it's going to take so looooooong to get through the day knowing i have that film to anticipate afterschool, and hopefully it'll make up for having to sit through keni cohen's shitty interpretation of what a tribes performance should entail.

die shithead!

usually when i get bored i just sit on this pseudo-leather computer chair and space out for a while, not because it's pleasant, but because it's something to do. however today i broke out of that monotonous routine, and instead of sitting in front of the computer for a inconsequential amount of time i did my homework, spanish homework to be exact. i haven't done spanish homework at home, or ever, since like... who knows, and who cares?

something crazy happened today. never in the slightest did i expect to confront my parents the way i did, but i did. i had a breakdown.
bottled up no longer, i exploded. i haven't been this person since freshman year, and it scares me to think how vulnerable i really am as person.

i was overwhelmed, discussing my personal belief system, college, my parents' parenting methods, the language barrier between us, and as much as nothing as it may sound - life.

who better to talk about living that the people who gave you the privilege?

as much as my parents have made my head steam over the past week, they're really some of the only people i can stand to listen to right now. i find it irritating and trivial to hear the half-baked stoner ideas of kids my age, simply because much of what they say reflects a lot of what i already know. they aren't imparting any wisdom on me, unless you count the naive self-righteous bullshit they've contrived to be their guiding light as wisdom.

we are some punk-ass kids.

then again, i've been told i'm more wise than i allow credit for myself, and that i only think i'm a punk-ass kid.

not to toot my own horn, or anything. or maybe i am.

punk-ass kids.

right now one of the things i love the most about living is hearing my parents from a far laughing together. they deserve more happiness in their lives, and i haven't been very deserving of them lately.

not a lot of kids are.

i haven't been writing a lot of long blogs tailored to public viewing. i've just been writing... to write, to leave this memo somewhere, not really mattering who reads it and who doesn't. it's too hard to write in a hand-written journal, at least fast and the way i want to see it. i have a much more different control of the keys than i do with the pencil.

here's looking at you kid.

i was mad last night, but for this night i am just tired.