contributions to the world, society, and most importantly that seemingly perpetual thing you call your personal life, all disappearing, all gone by means of a fated/unfated incident?

i know, i know. that's all gay shit to ponder, especially when your in a perfectly unshattered and complacent life-going state.

but i almost died last afternoon. seth almost died last afternoon.

i knew another seth when i was a wee-little spikey haired freshman. i remember seth saldana, my filipino brother in many forms, situations, and definitions of the word, asking the question, "what's the point of seatbelts? i think they're only installed in cars to keep us all in fear."

so said the acura-integra-expert-driving nihilist.

returning back to 2003, the seth i hang out with now is seth labrow, hopefully now a firm believer in seatbelts, and once the driver of a now totaled ford.

if you didn't get the point yet, we got into a car accident last night.

and shit. when my mom and dad got into a car accident last year, i didn't really think much of it. they were still alive, and that deleted any cause for worry. i never really thought about what went through their minds after that eventful day, and how it must have changed their lives.

or maybe it's just me, the impressionable, ever molding teenager, who saw my own life reshapen by similar circumstances which wouldn't have hit a fully grown adult as much.

hit.

17.

they say the movies you watch in your adolescence-late teen years are the ones that shape you, but what about the real life experiences with potentially devastating consequences - how do THEY shape you?

i wonder how i'll rate this to my first time taking acid. i guess i'll have to wait and take acid, and then see!

again, i reiterate, i felt my whole body being pulled forward towards that other car. i. was. in. a. car. crash.

i was in my school bus when it got hit by car a few years back, i don't even consider that memorable part of my life, let alone definitive.

and yet because of last night, i feel years beyond anything, like i'm 20 times older than i was a few days ago.

...i am the walrus. cuckoo-cuckoo ka-choo...

it's weird how some music makes a lot more sense now.

back to the point, if there ever was one: IF YOU SEE ME IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS, EXPECT A GIANT HUG FOR BEING ALIVE AND KNOWING IT. AND IF YOU AREN'T LOVING LIFE RIGHT NOW, EXPECT ME TO SLAP THE SHIT OUT OF YOU!!!

sorry, that was some tyree-talk coming out of me. i don't know how to act my age anymore, 'cuz i don't even know how to gauge my age!

the number 17 doesn't mean shit.

i have a lot more to say, but i'll reserve all of that for some other time. just know that i love everyone and that my blood is filled with flowers.

oh yeah, my mom cried and then we hugged and i hope she's over it now.

cuckoo ka-choo!

the stars shine above so pretty
but i'll be damned if i could see them
so close to the motherfucking city
is where i've been and always am

i'm 17 years old with an electric guitar collecting dust in my kitchen, a freezer full of ice cream, a working television, and i'm supposed to be thinking about tests? someone please end this joke, so that i can live the rest of my life in peace.

instead of running, larry, seth, and i spent our practice chasing after a wild bunny rabbit and hid in the top of a playground slide from the real runners. and to top it all off, winmill called devin "gay" for not doing his warm-ups, and he told devin that if didn't run below a 2:05 in the 800 at tomorrow's meet, he'd be gay for sure. BEST TRACK PRACTICE EVER.

i am such a phoney, but i'm more real than the rest of you will ever be.

sexyhalfblack: its like abortion
sexyhalfblack: like doper than life

the lucomotion: LMFDO
josephguanlao: laughing your fucking dick off?
the lucomotion: haha yeah.

i don't know why i even bother doing crunches, especially after going to the store and buying donuts, ice cream, candy, and... donuts, ice cream, and candy.

i don't know why my health conscious parents let me buy this stuff... such irony in this family!

fuck running! larry and i didn't even try today. every day that we go on long runs it's like one big james bond mission, with larry, seth, and i evading detection from the running coaches and croons who'll rat on us. except today seth was totally m.i.a., so it was just me and larry plotting our escape.

pass the mic, bitches!

oh shit, i forgot that gilmore girls is on tuesdays, not mondays! THAT'S TIGHT.

99 red balloons go by...

dizamn, yo. i'm actually making an attempt at doing some homework here. it makes me feel both proud and awkward... like being a mule or something.

don't you just love my analogies?

track practice was killer today. i was breathing hard, at least. like this: *gasp* *gasp* *gasp*

gasp. i'd rather be swimming and tired.

i know it sounds gay, but i had a conversation with winmill on our "cool down" run about stuff being discussed in biology today. somehow i got into talking about the possibility of mapping out all of our human emotions by their chemical basis in our brains. it made me feel like such a science fiction nerd!

and yeah, when i got back from running, larry called me a faggot for running all the way to the bench with winmill.

fun stuff!

i hate reading blogs about what people did during practice, mainly because they talk about exactly what i didn't do during practice. i always half-ass shit and take it less seriously than wanksters do. but then again, i want to be fast...

i also want to be an inch taller, but that'll never happen until i can afford some black-market super human growth hormone.

gilmore girls and everwood are on tonight. i don't know if i should tape them for later, or let myself indulge in quality-fucking-programming for two hours straight. it's going to be a hard decision! apparently jess tries to go a little far with rory, and she ain't having none of it.

i just saw a hugh jackman on t.v. with long hair... it was scary!

it smells like something is burning in my parents room. i can smell the world's barbeque all the way from my house. it's a really nice day outside. it's probably like, the nicest day ever in the history of mankind to roast some pig. nature out did itself today, fluffy clouds and a blue sky and a smiling sun and everything. it's super nice.

GOD i wish i could fly on days like these. theeeeeeez.

GOD, why won't you just let me fly?

i promise i'll pay you back. you know i'm good for it.

man, i'm super spung over this weather right now. it's like when anthony hears politik by coldplay, he says, "i get a boner whenever i listen to this song." i don't know if i'd go so far to say it's giving me a rock hard erection, but is spring dizope. it's spring. love is in the air, everywhere.

oh shit, gilmore girls is on.

PEACE, my sexy 'niggas!

with a guitar lesson and an afternoon nap out of the way, i have a list of assignments and missing work that i have to tackle. sigh.

my hands are extremely dry for the hot water shower i just took, and my room needs to be "arranged," so says my dad.

i'd like to state the fact again, that i am a normal, normal teenager. there's nothing prodigious about the way i use my talents or "arrange" my lifestyle that will get me anywhere - in life; in love; from brooklyn to amsterdam to the great wall of china.

i keep saying that i will end this subtley layered pattern of lackadaisical complacency... but fuck... even saying that is self-destructive.

so i must deconstruct and reconstruct what there is of myself, and i'd so much like to believe that that's possible.

this is typical teenager bullshit put together in stupid, stupid words.

classic joseph.

let me put it this way: everyone wants to feel good about who they are. i want the feeling that i need to care about how i feel.

i think that makes sense.

i've been told that i seem to have a good sense of who i am, but as far as i'm concerned, i have no clue as to who i need to be.

i overslept and missed the prom afterparties? for shame!