this morning, right before i went to school, i put on my jacket, and what did i find bulging out of the left pocket? MY RETAINER. though i should be saying "yay!" i feel like such a fucking idiot.

i won't run through the half day at school today. i winged the biology test, and thus failed it. that's about it.

afterschool is when all the "fun" began. the following writing will seem like a "how to guide" on screwing yourself, but nonetheless, it should be an enriching read -

we met in the student commons, and then we went to anthony's. it was evident early on that there wouldn't be enough cars to drive all of us to the movie theatre, to see "8 mile." we waited and waited to see what would happen, but in the end, anthony takes jennylyn, elaine, hannah, and tina to the movie theatre. what ever happened to "bros before hoes?"

tyree, brian, roger, and i spent a long time at anthony's, with only maurro as the only resident of the house. tyree and i raided anthony's fridge, and tyree ended up eating a hot pocket, while i ate 4 small bagels with cream cheese. then we ate some apple pie, and i took a spoonful of some of the mint-chocolate chip ice cream.

all the while, brian was rolling some joints on anthony's kitchen table. weed was scattered on the table cloth, and even after he finished rolling them, there were still bits left on the table.

then they asked maurro if we could smoke in the backyard, and he was cool about it. "no one home until 'tree," he said. his english is getting a whole lot better.

i didn't smoke, but those guys said they got pretty high.

we went inside, and it was someone's idea to go to downtown seattle. it was, after all, the same four of us who went downtown on the last day of school, last year.

we stopped by the gas station, and picked up some food. i got a thing of nutter butter bites, for $0.99. then we waited for what must have been at least half an hour at the bus stop, and caught the 101.

i fell asleep waiting for the bus, and i fell asleep on the bus. the old asian man sitting next to me had to wake me up, just so he could exit the bus.

we got off at the westlake stop. we used a couple of escalators to get closer to the mall, but we saw a handicap elevator, and we decided to use it. we were all unsure of whether or not we were allowed to use it, but nonetheless, we got inside, and brian pressed one of the buttons. after the elevator moved, and then stopped, we got out. WE WERE WHERE WE STARTED. brian must have pressed the wrong button. so we decided to get to higher levels the old-school caveman way: stairs.

we walked around the sublevel of the mall, in circles. i think we saw the netherlands girl that jake is sprung off of. but back to the point, we were walking around in circles. it wasn't even a large circle that we were tracing our steps in, it was around a starbucks coffee stand.

and then we finally found ourselves outside of the the mall. we reached the curb, in between the gap and abercrombie & fitch, with seattlite pedestrians walking by us, and then we stopped and thought, "why are we here?" we honestly didn't know the answer, so we decided to turn back and go back to anthony's.

call us drifters, call us stupid-losers, call us anything you want. we sure as hell didn't know what we were doing.

we waited for the bus, and spotted devin sumaong (sp?) and jennylyn's sister, but i really didn't give a fuck.

long busride home. tired, and confused, were we.

once we got off the bus, it began to pour. it hasn't rained in such a long time. i hated walking in the fucking rain - and we had to walk up the steepness of langston hill, towards anthony.

when we got to the top of the hill, we saw that anthony's car wasn't there. jesus. we stood in the road, in the rain, thinking of what were going to do. we decided we'd wait in anthony's back yard, which was better than getting wetter and wetter by the second.

we must have waited 45 minutes, hoping that anthony would come home. we killed the time with gross "what if's," mostly involving jokes of the crudely grotesque sexual nature. finally, anthony's dad came out, and asked us what the hell we were doing on his property, and we all felt like stupid stupids.

i split away from the other guys, as they walked to the transit center. walking home, i listened to queens of the stone age's songs for the deaf. i've been listening to that album for the past week, and it rocks beautifully hard. it's the perfect music to listen to while walking or taking the bus, especially in the dreary overcast of this godforsaken area.

just now, my mom asked me to go to a funeral with her. i declined, protesting in refusal, telling her that "i'm depressed," which is probably a little stray from the truth, but i know for sure that i won't be uplifted by seeing someone's dead body.

brian let me borrow choke, by chuck palahniuk. if i begin to read that tonight, adding to the unpleasant events of today, i might just tear my hair out from the grief of this world.

i've had better days.

the way i talk back to my mom, you would think i'm some sort of teenager or something.

american studies, or bust

for the past week or so, i've chosen bust. i haven't found it in me to get myself to read the text, and as with most of my classes, i've been winging it by. today, i surprised myself with a 19 out of 30 on the mulitple choice part of the test, but i still wrote half a page on the essay portion. for those of you who don't know, only half a page on a timed-write-essay is terrible. i spent most of the time during the essay drawing on my paper. i'm beginning to believe that i lack the capacity to do any of this - which by definition, makes me fucking stupid.

maybe it's just a lack of commitment. in that case, i'm still a moron for not trying.

one depressed kid

i swear, sometimes at school, i can be horrible zombie; detached from my enviorment, and easily prone to failing myself. yesterday, during lunch, i left my retainer somewhere in the school. i don't know if it was in the commons or the career center, but i left it somewhere. somewhere, some place, lost in my mind. i can't even think or recall upon a memory to its possible whereabouts, and it's taking an ill tole on my sanity.

mr. day said that a person who repeats a faulty action over and over again, without correction of their ways, is insane. i don't know anymore - i'm not a pychopath, but i'm sure as hell not fresh in the head.

during break today, i went to the lost in found, to see if someone had turned in my retainer. the last time i lost my retainer at school, i was successful in recovering it. but nay nay, today just wasn't my day.

i lose everything. just two nights ago, my mom found my keys for me, after thinking that i had lost them for sure. i have still yet to find my cell phone, which i also lost somewhere in my room.

my tendency to misplace things also reflects on me as a person; i have a very lost and convoluted view on life, and my apathy towards things doesn't really help anything at all.

i constantly get tired of myself.

a manifesto on homeland security

sorry rey, but i can't deal with shit like that.

a letter of gratitude and smiles

fortunately for me, i can find cheerfulness in something, or rather, someone. after realizing that i left my permission slip at home, for ms. anderson's class, i was lucky enough to have amy take me home during lunch to get it. after quickly stopping by my place, we went to her's. it's beautiful, i can say the least. i also got to see mason, her baby nephew. that little guy is so adorable! i didn't want to touch him though, because i know that the flu is going around, and the last thing i want to do is to get a baby sick.

she still plays pinkerton in her car. *sigh*

pedestrian diaries

during sixth period, mustafa and i paired up with brian and tyree, and we walked all around downtown renton to sell ad space for the school newspaper. we probably bought more stuff than we sold.

things i bought:

` one limited edition white chocolate kit kat bar, along with a regular flavored one (from who's store - 2 for $0.99)
` an issue of daredevil & elektra [#1] (from the comic den - $2.25)
` two pairs of mittens, one gray pair and one black pair (from value village - $0.98 each)

+ tax.

okay, so that wasn't a lot of stuff, but five bucks is still a lot for me. mustafa and i left ad information at armondo's italian restaurant and subway, and we think subway might actually call us back.

tyree tried to buy blunt wraps, and yet he was screwed by the i.d. process, once again. he walked in there, and it was possible that he could have initially bought them, but he didn't have enough money, so he ran out to us to get more of them. when he went back inside, the lady wanted to see his card. childish fuck!

after we came back to the school, i left to go to wendy's. JUNIOR BACON CHEESEBURGERS LIKE A MOTHERFUCKER! 2 of them. i like to brag.

i ate the burgers while i waited for the 106 to come, and then i saw mustafa. the 106 stopped for ME this time, so i was the first person to get on the bus. it was pretty cool.

once i got off at my stop, these two black girls were following me home, and i turned around and realized that they were reading the stuff on my backpack. i have a sticker on there that says, "BEATS BY JAG," which was given to me by tyree. jag is tyree's cousin, i guess. i told them they could take it off of my back, and so they did, along with the sticker that has the web address for this site on it.

walking home, i began to realize that my eyes see the world in a much bluer hue. as much as we are in the fall season, with the dead red, orange, and yellow leaves, and as the wind blows through the trees, everything seems much more still and sad. it probably just me.

when i get stressed, i get sick too. i hope i don't get sick.

tyree called me a "semi-art fag" today. all i said was, "wow," which is my response to everything tyree says, because i shouldn't dignify any of his statements with a response - BECAUSE HE DOESN'T HAVE A CLUE AS TO WHAT HE'S TALKING ABOUT.

-

there you go.

i should be reading tindal & shi right now, to study for the test i have tomorrow in american studies, but fuck it. whatever. i just don't feel like it, and besides, i'm going to fail this test regardless of whether or not i read the goddamn chapters, so what's the use.

there are few things about today that stand out in my head, but NOTWITHSTANDING (the only thing i have to show for being in american studies is that one word, and i'm probably not using it in the right context anyway, so hah!), these are things that i remember: 1st per. mr. dowd brought some krispy kremes over from the student store, and i got 2 of them. advisory me and seth drew weird and fantastical images on the white board with dry erase markers, and one of the pictures we drew was of a man that resembled jake and had bloody flies coming out of it's mouth. we drew a tongue on it, and ms. anderson walked by us and said the weirdest thing you could ever hear a teacher say. "that looks like an s and m demon" she said. haha! then i got an idea out of one of hannah's comic books, to draw a bdsm character with a leather face mask, and a zipper mouth. i titled it, "el es-en-em diablo." 3rd per. rommel asked me if i was drinking last night, because i looked hung over. haha! i told him, "this is what i look like, when i don't take a shower in the morning," and he said, "do you ever drink on weekdays?" and then i had a dream sequence about shooting him in the balls. towards the end of class, i wasted lots of time calling minh-tu "garbage breath" and continually getting beat on by her. lunch ate a burrito, motherfuckers! and i tried to do some work in the career center, where i had rey steal me a ruler from mr. schoonmaker's secret stash. 5th per. lots of note taking, and looking for optical illusions on the internet.

i got an interesting existentialistic theory in my head during biology, when we were talking about the human brain. but geeze us captain fuck a ho, i forgot it now.

i've had bad health habits since the cross country season ended. by saying "bad health habits," i mean eating and going to sleep right after. now, i look as if i have a beer belly, when in fact i never drink beer. it'll be disgusting to see what i look like in a few days. it's bad enough i look like a fuh-reakin' alien, but now i look like one with a protruding stomach, small wrists, grotesquely misproportioned biceps, a small chest, and bed-head. RE - VOLT - ing.

ben lowe said it best, when he told me that he could vision me with my own cartoon. I AM A HUMAN CARTOON.

*wowng* is the sound of me zapping you with pink energy.

as much as i want to think i'm unaffected and not susceptible to weakness, my dad can still send shivers down my back.

it fucking pisses me off.

towards the end of journalism, using gabriel's camera, i took a picture of linda while she was in the front of the room. once the flash went off, a light of opportunity sprung in gabriel's head to rescue his valiant camera from the ever-so-evil me.

you see, i've had gabriel's camera since the beginning of last summer, and i refused to return it, simply because i tend to keep things that i borrow - the list of people's belongings that i hold in my possession is quite extensive - but that's another tale to tell, for another day.

gabriel walked over to brian, asking him to distract me so he could go into my backpack without me looking. brian wouldn't do it, and so gabriel went over to roger.

all the while, i was watching him do this, and he thought he was hatching the super plan of the century behind my back.

rj had my attention, but i knew gabriel was sneaking right behind me, trying to get into the bag, so i kept turning backwards non-chalantly, pretending to get my stuff. eventually, i just picked it up, and then school was out.

call it a hunch, inkering, whatever, but i knew gabriel wouldn't stop at anything to get his camera today, and he even made the effort to get me afterschool.

i was on the ground, writing something down that my brother was telling me, while all of a sudden i see a figure in my peripheral vision, running towards me - and then quickly away. i turned to see gabriel running away as he hugged my backpack, like a little girl holding her teddy bear. at that point, i really didn't care.

on my way to the stairwell, i looked down into the student commons from the 3rd floor windows, and i could see gabriel going through my bag, looking for the camera. jesus lordy, he wanted that thing bad. i just stared in amusement, as the guy took out the camera, and checked for how many shots were left on the roll of film that i was using. he even took the uncommon courtesy of unloading the flim, so that i could get it later. and then he wrote a note:

i think the funniest part of his message is the smiley face at the end. isn't that how the gay mafia sign their notes? alas, it get's even better. when i turned the note over, the backside had this on it:

gay asian stationary! holy crap! this affirms everything.

-

yes, yes i know how much of a loser this makes me, for writing all of this out. but at least i'm a loser who can admit to being a loser, and not a fag who can't admit to being a fag. that's all i've got to say, besides COME OUT OF THE FUCKING CLOSET ALREADY, geeze us. you would have thought someone would have said something about it by now.

-

my life is so mundane these days, that the pinnacle momments of my fun and excitement consist of making fun of fags. rest assured, i am pro-gay, but not pro-fag.

the only other great things about today were, in no chronological sequence: 1. amy biting my wrist, leaving teeth marks (my savage battle with the wolf!). 2. linda getting mad at me and socking me in the arm (and then me hugging her in return!). 3. ms. anderson using her crazy "i'll fuck y'all up if you don't shut the fuck up" voice during class. 4. making "spanish style jokes" during spanish class, while using my desk as a conga drum, and talking about my "drug usage" really loudly. 5. two junior bacon cheeseburgers from wendy's, washed down with an iced tea. 6. today's atmosphere at the renton transit center, as i waited for the 106 to leave; police pulling over some black guy's car, the giant crane in nearby contruction, and tons of weird folk. 7. fire drill. 8. minh-tu taking thanh's violin during zero period, and so i just sat there admist a bunch of kids playing their violins.

all i want to do is feel good again. right now i feel like my mouth is making out with dirt and worms, my shoulders feel like concrete is being poured on them, and my head feels like a dense mass of television static and dark clouds.

i feel like a mutated super villain.

i am such a goddamn screw up. fuck elaborating. i am such a goddamn screw up.

okay, i'll elaborate. i got no homework done this weekend, which is of course my fault. i've gotten behind, which was also my fault, and this weekend was supposed to be my catch-up period. it always ends like this, at least of the beginning of the end does. i'm going to get sucked into the drain.

i've not only lost it in my homework, but i've lost the affection of the certain girl i've had sights on. it doesn't really bother me that much, because i know i'm an ass, and i can't help it, and i'll be alone forever, but that's not a bad thing. still, i can't help but feel like i screwed that one up.

i'm always the one to blame, and these aren't the misfortunes of a typical sagittarius. i'm just an ass. i look at my baby godchild, and in her i see the greatest feeling of contentment that a person will ever feel in their lifetime. i just want to be a baby again; to never worry about anything, and to always be held by someone who loves me.

well, i'm a baby right now: a dumpster baby.

in search of filipino names for the short story that i'm writing for mr. day's class, i came upon a few that i like:

amador
amberlan
artemio
bayani
cereneo
enreecko-edilberto
rizhean
wildemar
zenon-alejandro

these are some crazy FIRST names, yo! of all the shit my parents could name me, they named me joseph. i feel deprived of a cool name. oh well. i can't change shit..... or can i?

i'm going to have my middle name extended.

my main character's name is ceasar sison, and i decided that before i even researched filipino names. I ROCK, and so does my character, because he skips class to play guitar in the hallways at his high school, and he gets in trouble for it - or something like that. i came up with the idea during church today.

yesterday evening, i fell asleep at 6 pm. i woke up at 11:45 pm, and went back to sleep at 1 pm. this morning, i woke up at 9:15 am.

fourteen hours? i'm proud.