in the library on the second floor, surrounded by a labyrinth of clustered dell computers that look like snowflake fractals from the ceiling's eyes. during the day not one computer is left unattended, the area filled with the colllective clickity-clackity clattering of keyboard keys and mouse clicks, but at this ungodly hour the slow 55 word per minute taps of one individual are discernible enough to vaguely gauge the shaky typist's

BULLSHIT.

here it is: i gave it some thought. just now i had some sort of feeling of decisiveness, something that felt like something that would beget something important, like the precursor to a revolution, a mix of inspiration and foreboding. for the longest time i've had this head full of undeveloped ambition and static that left me confused and unsure of myself, and for the first time in a long time i recieved this notion that i could change something about my plan, or rather lack of direction by pointing the arrow towards a redder and riper apple on top of the head of child less afraid of getting shot in the face. to be specific, i suddenly wanted to jump tracks and take the path traveled by those brave enough to see that their goals in life represent something more than the selfishness and hedonism percieved by their fathers and feared by their mothers. I HAVE ASKED THIS QUESTION TIME AND TIME AGAIN, perhaps hard on the ears of most for the countless times it has been posed. but i have answers, or guesses rather, though what it asks of me is more than demanding. it requires not merely a shift in focus; it postulates a commitment to more than one dream. but the definition of success is contradicted by that idea, as does the definition of a commitment. which is why i don't feel any better about what could possibly be my salvation, since it damns me more and more by the day that i think i am not seeking its fruition.

uh, nevermind. forget i said anything, except just know that i got something in store for you in the next year or so.

i am still a fetus waiting to break out of mama's womb and into your house!

affirmative statements

i will make a difference.

(opposed to "i want to make a difference.")

starting tomorrow,

or maybe when i'm done with this week's post-lab, chem and math hw, and history midterm.

micromanagement before blowing up the spot.

as it doesn't come much of a surprise, i'm having one of those nights where i cannot sleep. maybe i should wake up earlier in the day? thank god for dreams, even if i don't remember mine. if not for dreams, i'd wish i was a always awake with more time to roam the streets.

riding in the backseat on the way home on the highway, i was thinking today. it's not true that i can be anything i want to be, it really isn't. i lack the resolve for most things, the tenacity, the determination; then why do i keep lying to myself? it almost feels like i've been making the decisions i've been making lately for all the wrong reasons, like

what the fuck am i talking about?

i don't know. goodnight?