been spending most of our lives living in a gangster's paradise...

i'm going to try to write about today as if i'm not drunk right now, which i totally am, but sometimes shit doesn't go the way you plan it, yo.

okay, so i don't remember anything about today, except that i ate a burrito for lunch, and that i took a test in spanish, which was so-so. also, i did a presentation on meiosis in biology, but that's as much as i can recall right now.

if i hadn't skipped swim practice today, i definitely wouldn't've had these good times.

a recap:

afterschool, i took the 107 home with brian, and once we got off the bus we took a shot of yukon jack's. he played a little guitar for me, and then we headed over to anthony's.

rockstars, yo.

once at anthony's, we each took another shot of yukon (like butterscotch, yo), and then we sort of had a jam session. regardless of what it really and technically should be called, it was fun. roger can play the drums pretty well, for someone who doesn't play the drums on a regular basis. brian, roger, and i did a couple of things, while maurro watched in both awe and confusion.

three asian amateur musicians trying to make something big out of very little.

later on, we waited in the safeway parking lot for minh-tu, amy, and cortney, so they could follow us to tyree's house, because tyree invited us to take on a job offer that his mom setup. so we just chilled in the safeway parking lot for a while, near the gas station, and i came out playing toneless chords, and trying to look cool for the world, because at that point i was sort of relaxed from reality. brain came out afterwards, and played breaking the girl as he had at his house, but it was cooler because we were outdoors and totally careless. the girls finally came, and saw us doing our drunken-thing, but it really didn't matter, because it wasn't like we were trying to impress people other than strangers.

we took shots on the way to tyree's. fuckin' brotherly love fest up in that car, yo.

i was sort of nervous when i got to tyree's house, because i would have had to talk to his mom in an inebriated state, and also because i also needed to use the bathroom.

it turned out to be alright, and i filled out the job application forms to the best of my ability. i'm going to work tomorrow, for some ka-ching. tyree's little tyke brother is a funny little kid.

afterwards, tyree, brian, roger, and i went to roger's house, and played some more guitar for a long while, and ate. chicken in a delicious marinara sauce, with rice.

we decided to go to the dance, because we figured it wouldn't be that bad if we were shitfaced enough, and roger's house happened to have the necessary substances to keep our asses out of sobriety - so we thought.

anthony picked us up from rj's area, and took us to my house, where i put on a dress shirt and got tyree one for himself, because the dance was "semi-formal," and i didn't want to look like a total ass. sure, i was still wearing my jeans and chuck taylor's, but a rockstar's got to do what a rockstar's got to do.

by then, we had been drinking all night, but we finally tasted brian's conconction of coke and malibu, and boy was it good. i used it to chase down the tequila, and by then we had already drank a lot, yet i didn't want to throw-up the good food i had at rj's, so i didn't kill it.

once we got at the dance, it was already evident that the night would not be crackin' from there on out. mr. day thought me an brian were gay, because we bought a couple ticket together, and he first objected to giving us the couple fee, wanting to charge us each the individual amount. he gave us that "you guy's are queer, but i won't say anything because i'm supposeed to be an open-minded type of guy" type of look. the student common's wasn't even a fourth of the way filled, and so the lot of us just sat in the corner, chillin.'

lonely hearts. wallflowers. losers.

hannah hooked me up with some whiskey bottles from her work, and so the dance didn't totally suck for me. i got in a somewhat good state, for the most part, and so things were in a nicely blurred reality for me. brian and tyree left and waited in anthony's car, because they got sick of the uneventful situation. i don't know why, but i was massaging brianna lemmon's scalp for a good portion of the dance, and it was sort of exhilirating to know that i could scratch a girl that way - or please her. i kept telling hannah, who was sitting right beside me, that "this was my calling."

we went to denny's after that. i had a little careless fun with the guys, as well as larry, jenny lyn, and linda. those cats are cool to fuck with.

it was crazy.

renton high school is a school of whores. i hate stupid people, stupid music, and stupid boredeom. tomorrow i work at safeco field, working for the richest man in the world, bill gates. seriously, when the shit hits the fan.....

the end.

p.s. it's my birthday right now, but i could care less.

today's pep assembly was lame. i wish the wrestlers would have brought out the over-hanging light, instead of using the gym lights, because it's way more intense that way. the part where the swim team came out was gay.

speaking of swimming, today i jumped into the pool for the first time in my whole life. i was standing on the diving board for what must have been ten minutes, with seth and andrew acting as motivators and life guards. it made me realize how much i am afraid of the water. however, once i jumped, it was like everything was rolling in a cinematic phase, and the whole team was cheering me on.

i'd write more, but my tummy aches.

i'm sick. woe is me.

although, on a quick note, mr. day found that letter i lost yesterday. apparently i left it in his classroom, and some of his students were reading it, and he had to confiscate it from them. gratefully, this is probably the end of any humiliation on my part.

it's not like i cared, anyway.

SpencerHB: my dad saw the site and was ... "who is this person he uses the f word too much gd dammit"

-

drantholumias: im recovering from her actually having a life other than talkin to me

amy, losing that letter really fucked me up today. i'm sorry. the next time i decide to not show you something, i'll burn it right at the moment that i have made my decision, and pour the ashes over a flowing river, like the cedar.

better yet, i will never hide something like this from you again.

although, truthfully, i was planning to read the letter to you this saturday.

i hope this lost letter doesn't come back to haunt me.

letters to sender. a real life one, except it's less heartbreaking than it is embarassing.

-

fuck false alarm fire drills.

i still need to learn how to breathe as i swim. it's the main thing that's holding me back right now.

even though recent studies and scientific experiments have proven that i'm not at all photogenic or good looking, i'm still a vain and self-absorbed camera-hog. my skin just feels real nice right now, after marinating in sweat and pool water for a couple of hours. i wish you could all feel my nose right now; it's quite nosy:

i wrote a long thing about dashboard confessional, but i decided to delete it all, because it was gay. just download some of the songs off of the album the places you've come to fear the most, of which i am listening to right now. i know you'll like at least one of their songs. you just have to listen to the whole album. hannah, i'll give your cd's back, someday. i heart this emocore.

i remember kim saying that d. c. sounds like "a boy crying."

when my father speaks to me, it sends chills down my spine and rattles my soul. because of this, i feel like an infant dying of shaken baby syndrome everyday.

you can fool me, your mother, and your teachers, but you can't fool yourself.
- dad

he says i shouldn't feel comfortable when he has such a discussion with me, because life isn't comfortable. it's not easy. it's not fun. he says i'm living such a cushy lifestyle right now, when in reality i should be in utter discomfort. my dad doesn't drink. he says all of these fucked up things as a sober, realized man.

this is the type of moral support and parenthood i'm recieving.

some random people found my site by typing the following statements into a search engine:

charlie horse spasms in stomach area
Abercrombie & Fitch asian essay
seven glasses of water sex

where has my life gone?

i am not at all excited about coming back to school tomorrow. not only did i not use this little break as a catch-up period for my schoolwork, i look forward to seeing few people tomorrow. it's not just that most people piss off, which they do, but being around people makes me look at myself, and some inadequacies in myself enter my stream of consciousness. self-analyzation. self-pity. it's all fucking gay.

everyday now, i wait for myself to be involved in a terrible car crash, or for the buildings i enter to catch on fire. something has got to happen to me soon, because this mundance and descending spiral of underachievement and waste of potential is driving me insane. my human brain is trying to make sense and order of a world in perpetual disorder.

i don't even know if i want to find peace, anymore.

after going through the motions of going to church, i loitered the aisles of safeway as my parents talked to an acquaintance from the philippines. i got candy and green tea.

we came home and ate lunch, and then we went to beacon hill to visit my grandparents. i watched filipino television for a little bit, because it sucks so very badly.

and now i must confront all the homework i've neglected for the past few days.

after watching the first half of insomnia, and baking some gourmet white chocolate chip macadaemia cookies, anthony picked me up.

driving at high speeds through dense fog without your headlights on is fucking crazy.

for a while it was just me and anthony sitting around his bedroom, him on the computer, me on the floor playing guitar and standing on a skateboard without trucks or wheels. while watching that hilarious snoop dog televizzle shit, seth and kim came in, and then linda eventually came in as well. seth got his mr. deed's dvd, and so we spent some time watching that.

once everyone left, anthony turned on his by the way .mp3, and for some gay reason, we both started to rock out - air guitaring and air drumming and bouncing around like a mexican jumping bean and a deep fried pineapple. all of sudden, seth walks in on us, not only scaring the shit out of me by catching me off guard, but discovering the crazy shit we do when no one is looking.

we all went upstairs and hung out there for a while, since we don't spend much time upstairs at anthony's as we all used to. after several occurances that would indicate our queerness, like shaping the male genitalia out of a banana and two pears, each of us painting our fingernails, and seth pulling phone books and people out of his imaginary cunt as he hopped on the kitchen counter, we found that every pizza joint in the seattle/renton area is closed at midnight, and so we went to wendy's to get something to eat.

now those guys are watching a paulie shore movie out in the living room, as i write this pointless bullshit.

goodnight.