while everyone is offline right now, getting their act together and studying/homeworking because their school progress reports came in today, i'm still on the internet, blogging and being gay.
today afterschool, i walked to my dad's van, and found him standing outside the vehicle, helping brandon stowers and daniel dean jump start their car. even though i found a little humor and irony in the situation, i couldn't help but feel a fear to the discussion i would have with my father.
i initiated the conversation, but simply saying "hi dad." it was the only thing i said to him, until we arrived home, but he had plenty to say to me. i knew my grades would come in the mail today, but it still makes me shocked and uneasy to hear what my dad has to say about my grades. he went on into some very depressing stuff, saying that he could see the direction of where my life is taking me, and it's not very good. this is not at all a bleek assessment either, because i know it to be true. it hurts, but it tells my story of underachievement and miscalculated arrogance.
dad says "it's your life, it's not mine," yet he always goes on about what i'm doing, and what i'm not doing. sometimes it makes me write. sometimes, in my own isolation and self-examination, i reflect on the things he says to my young and remote face, like his greatest and most essential statement, "you don't want to end up like me."
one of the biggest reasons i detest the notion of regret is mainly because i see the regret my father harbors in himself everyday. and it's true, he could have become something greater on the social ladder, and our family could have perhaps been better off, financially speaking. and that's why i don't regret anything at all, because i don't want to feel bad about the choices i make.
but maybe the reasons for my own failure is attributed to my lack of regret, my inability to feel guilt and my disposition to make excuses for everything i do - or rather, fail to do.
though it's crazy to think my dad once had obsenely unmanageable anger problems. his temper used to be beyond anything in question, but he found his own personal zen, and most of the time he's calmer than a moonless ocean. now, it's the awkward silences that i find to be more dreadful and terrifying than anything i know, because i don't know if he's just bottling up all his anger and waiting to explode in my face with a baseball bat.
not that my father ever beats me, but the fear still exists.
while urinating in my home bathroom, i began to think, "this is the story of both of our lives - a struggle of personal dissatifaction, of not living up the potential i was blessed with, and dad is only trying to not let this become a cycle in the guanlao blood." it should be noted that we were talking about heredity during biology today, and so some things connected while i was pissing.
i think it pisses my dad off when i make no facial reaction to what he says, at least not when he's in the same room as me.
oh yeah, the rain did nothing to help levitate the mood - in fact, i think it's making me go crazy now.
on a lighter note, i went to the dentist today, and he told me my teeth are yellow, and that i need to whiten my teeth.
i skipped swimming practice today, which was a very unwise choice, considering i still can't swim yet, and it's laughably childish the way i approach dives.
and i forgot to say something yesterday. the most notable thing i did was
tri-high, and i saw old friends from renton park who now go to lindbergh h.s. - eric haley, merlin brittenham, and stephanie morris. seeing these people made me think about how much i was affected by them five or six years ago, and how little i give a shit about them now. times change, i guess.
i know this was a terribly disheartening and sad blog entry, so i'll end it with this, just to make everything, everywhere, and everyone happy again:
amy is so cute and sexy, and i want to squeeze the warmth out of her body even though she tried to seriously break off my finger today, and her initials spell "ant." cool, huh?
okay, i admit, that only made
me happy. sort of. i still want to hang myself.
