i've been reading my archives, and it's really evident that i had a more positive outlook on my life a few weeks ago. i had few qualms about anything. i can't help but wonder what will happen to me, as more time passes me by.

hopefully i'll sum up to become something not only greater, but more radiant of the genuinely good attributes of life.

days go by...

i've known that some people are fags, but i didn't know that they could be fucking faggots.

somehow, i've managed to not care about what people say about me, even behind my back. sure, sometimes i'd like to know what girls think about me, and all that jazz, but i don't give a shit about the negative crap people say, especially coming from my friends. my guy friends.

well, i don't know anymore. i don't consider this person a friend, as much as someone who is fucking lost, and hated by most, including myself. i don't understand why people do certain things, but shit talk is shit talk, and stupidity is fucking bothersome. i face stupid people everyday at school, and i don't need to surround myself around that type of shit on my off time.

if i ever have kids, and they come home one day asking me, "daddy, why do people spread lies?" i'll have to tell them the truth. there aren't a lot of people in this world that you can make happy, and there are fewer people who you should care about in the first place.

when i see this person in person, i'm going to tell him to "eat it," and then i'm going to slit his fucking throat.

or not. but there will be confrontation.

all i have to say is, FINAL FANTASY X-2.   oh.   my.   lord.   i'm so excited, and i just can't i hide it, and i know i know i know i need you, i need you. fuck, i could live vicariously through these games.

hi.

i just knocked out last night. my mom probably got really worried, or something. i didn't phone home, as to my whereabouts. right now i'm still at anthony's.

yesterday was just some lazy hazy shit in the shores of my memory. while i was playing guitar at brian's, i didn't feel the love and drive of playing guitar that i usually have before. i'm hoping that this was just because i was tired, because it would really be bad for me to just quit this dream of "making the band." i want to sing.

i'm on bizzle's list of people that he doesn't have a problem with. part of the elite.

the football game was ass. we sat right behind puke. i was already falling asleep towards the end of the game, and my feet felt like they were getting frost-bitten. chuck taylor's are definitely not a winter shoe; they have fucking lace holes in the sides of them, for no reason at all.

my back aches like a motherfucker right now. i woke up, at 1 am last night, to take off my shoes because i hadn't taken them off before i had fallen asleep, and i got charlie-horse-like spasms all over my legs. recently, i've been having a lot of those, and i'm not sure why. i guess all the stretching and running during xc season kept me loose. whatever.

my teeth feel dirty right now. i really want to brush them, but i'm not at home.

it doesn't feel like it's already november. in a month, it'll be december.

weird.

anthony's windows xp password is "minh." you know how i figured that out? i clicked on the password hint button, and it says "my love!"

haha.

fuck. now i have a headache. this concludes this stupid rant.

i can't control my surroundings as much as i want to.

right now, i'm sitting in anthony's room, wondering what the hell i'm doing here.

my feet are still frozen from the football game.

i spent my afterschool time at brian's house.

i'm barely awake right now.

this is not my fucking reality.

it's some minutes past two, and this is where i say "fuck it." i call it quits on this bullshit.

i cannot live without sleep, no matter the number of caffeinated energy drinks i consume.

fuck math.

i've already gotten bored doing calculus homework, and my stomach has been twisting and turning and churning and gurgling and fucking with me.

in investing some time in googlism, this is what i get when i type in "guanlao:"

guanlao is 68 and after an adolescence and adulthood of walking with little difficulty
guanlao is back
guanlao is not so concerned about losing business to south carolina as he is to losing customers to less

okay, that was stupid. now it's back to calc-slavery for me.

i'm going to try to pull an all nighter tonight dedicated to mathematics, but i'm not very good at these things, so we'll have to see what happens.

i constantly ask my body to perform inhuman/superhuman feats.

non-carbonated red bull. dis. gus. ting.

man, i got locked out of my house when i got home from school today. i was all happy and glad and happy that linda took me home after we talked to muckerheide for eons afterschool, and i thought i would be able to just walk into my house, and eat something. by the way, i didn't eat lunch today, which is so out of my routine, like a devout christian not going to church, and goddamit i was salivating when i got home. i needed some grub grub grub, and i got nothing nothing nothing en mi estomago.

after trying watching a bird peck at apples in my apple tree, attempting half a calculus problem, i was about ready to go to sleep when my brother finally got home. i was laying down, resting my eyes, when john leaped out and yelled "rawr" at me. he thought i was a robber.

there's a dead blue bird in my front yard. it's some sort of crow or jay or something. i took a picture of it.

i'm going to rj's tonight to work on more calculus bullshit. i hate this fuckery. hopefully the crew will go trick-or-treating up in rj's neighborhood, winsper, so then i can at least play calc-HOOKEY and get me some candy.

if not, i'll be without this quality, quantity, and array of sugar for another year.

eep.

happy halloween!

i don't think i'll be able to do anything today, besides calculus homework. it's 5:50 in the morning right now, and that's what i'm doing. i'll be doing this shit until i fall asleep tonight, so whatever. no trick or treating for me. just one big fucking TRICK.

calculus is a big TRICK. don't take independent study calc, if you want to learn anything about the subject.

i wish i were more anti-social, because i would get more work done if i was. but alas, i am not.

hi.

though it doesn't mean that you guys love me back. or do you?

this morning, i ate two kiwis and a slice of white bread with hazelnut/chocolate spread over it. i'm drinking cranberry juice right now.

I could tell from the minute I woke up
It was going to be a lonely lonely lonely lonely day.
Rise and shine rub the sleep out of my eyes
And try to tell myself I can't go back to bed
It's gonna be a lonely lonely lonely lonely day.
Even though the sun is shining down on me and I should feel about as happy as can be
I just got here and I already want to leave
It's gonna be a lonely lonely lonely lonely day

Everybody knows that something's wrong
But nobody knows what's going on
We all sing the same old song
When you want it all to go away
It's shaping up to be a lonely day

I could tell from the minute I woke up it was going to be a lonely lonely lonely lonely day.
- "lonely day" by phantom planet.

the lead singer from phantom planet used to be a gap model? and he's friends with the jason shwartzman (phantom planet's drummer), of rushmore fame? holy cow, this guy must get laid a lot, or at least get a lot of offers.

people are fucking up my guestmap, namely mitchell. i might make a new one, install a regular guestbook, or just delete it along with the idea all together. i should have known you childish fucks couldn't handle serious interactivity like that. and it pisses me off that people started posting in places where they didn't LIVE, unless it was like hannah, who put her little girl in the corner of the window, which makes sense for who she is. ryan brown's post in the maryland area made sense as well. but other than that, I HATE RANDOM-ASS SHIT. i'm sorry, maybe i was unclear and not specific when i introduced the guestmap to my site. post in washington state, if you live in washington state, you stupid fucks.

i'm not as mad as i am disappointed in the idiots i know.

things i need to buy at the store, just in case i forget:

`beef jerky (i can gnarl on anything, now that my braces are off)
`rice pudding (you say yucky, i say yummyyyyy!)
`cereal bars (kim was munching on chex this morning, and i remembered how much i love those chex cereal bars!)
`iced tea (i just remembered how hooked i am on that shit)
`orange juice (rj's house always seems to have a supply of oj; why can't my fridge be more like rj's?)
`jones juice/sobe drinks (they're yummy and they have all sorts of weird and wacky and essential vitamins)
`soy portein drinks (for when i work out)
`tofu? (can anyone say, INDIAN CUISINE sans the lamb?)
`mochi ice cream (i've been meaning to try it before, but since amy told me about it, i can't get it out of my fucking head!)

i know all of this shit makes it seem like i'm on some sort of diet, but i'm really not. in fact, one of my real priorities is to GAIN SOME FUCKING WEIGHT, so i can crush y'all when i sit in your lap(s). put some meat on deez bones, nahmsayn?

i will, for once, CALM THE FUCK DOWN.

anthony jacked rj's book of truly tasteless jokes IV from me. anthony's sense of humor is going to get fucked up by the next time i see him, i can tell.

how do you get a baby to float? take your foot off of it's head, and allow it to float to the surface!

afterschool in the commons. amy wrote her phone number(s) on my hand. all this time, and i've been without it! funny.

anthony took me home. we tried to walk out the "red doors," but ms. carter-perry, that whore, blocked us. we even opened the door for justin thornton, because he was on crutches. anthony was like, "we're helping him, he's handicapped!" and ms. carter-whorey was like, "i''ll handicap you!" so she sent us back. but instead of walking around through the front of the school, seth, maurro, anthony, and i exited through the emergency exit, which lead us into the construction area. we walked through the massive construction grounds where the new courtyard will be, fearing that we'd get yanked out of there by some authority figure. but alas, we were not caught! i think we should do that all the time, just to circumvent the stupid administration at this school.

the orchestra/band/choir concert is tonight. i can't even play those goddamn songs! can anyone say airbowing?

FRIDAY, THE FIFTEENTH OF NOVEMBER.

we should all go to pasco, to "cheer on" the cross country state qualifiers from our school, and camp out there for the weekend. there's no school on the monday following that weekend, and the friday that we get out of school is a halfday.

so we should do it! i know that kim, linda, and anthony are all interested in going. we just need drivers. any volunteers?

who wants in on this fiesta of a lifetime? what else is there to do, anyway?

pornographic images of nubian superheroes and krusty the clown derailing a train.

i just woke up, and those are the last things i remember in my dream.

yesterday afternoon, i went to sleep really early, in my brother's bed. around 9 pm, my brother kicked me out of his bed, and i vaguely remember walking over to my own bed. my original plan was to wake up at 9 pm, and do some homework.

boy did i throw that plan out the window.

now i'm awake, and i really don't know where i am, though it is slowly coming back to me now. the crazy thing is, i have this feeling of being lost and uncertain of time, without the use of mind-altering drugs.

i'm going crazy, i swear.

i had to ask my mom if it's time to go to school, because when i woke up, i felt as if i couldn't trust the clocks.

i also woke up with a feeling of disgust from what i was dreaming about. i really didn't want to dream about black people with the american flag painted on their chest having competitive sex with other black couples, and the part with simpsons characters confused me even more.

i feel dirty. i need a shower. it's 5:50 am as i end writing this, and i need to leave at 6:15 am for zero period. but i'm never on time for that shit.

i don't know what i'm going to tell my math peers, when i have to tell them that i haven't done any assignments. this calculus shit is due friday, and i have less than 3 out of 14 assignments completed. and today is a 1/3/5 day?

where's my head?

check out my new guestmap. this thing is pretty rad. i like it a lot. what you do is you pin yourself on to where you're from on the map, and then you write a guestbook message. it's really cool. please sign mine, guys!

i just came from the green team officers' meeting. it took forever to get done. i'm the president of green team too, and i made little effort to facilitate the discussions. a really cool thing though, is that amy waited until the meeting was over, which took an hour, and then she took me home.

i don't think i'm going to volunteer for kid's night out today. i'm telling myself i'm going that i'm going to do homework, but i'll really just be online for like... forever, and then i'll go to sleep. that's how it is everyday.

it is what it is.

the only reason i would see sarcasm to be used as a defense mechanism, would be if it were overly used by a person. i believe we abuse sarcasm to the extent that it is embedded in our speech, and that we cannot help but say it, subconsciously thinking that the whole world understands what we are saying and where we are coming from.

amy says i'm in denial, and that there's more to what i say than what i literally let on. i used to believe this, but i don't know anymore. i think i'm just stupid, and there's no more depth to what any of you see.

so much for that "songwriter" or "starving artist" within me. what you see, is what you get. i bet.

i know my friends say a lot of things that only we would understand. but now we are an enclave of a subculture that really has no foundation, and we're just dicking around as life goes on. we're a bunch of holden caulfields, except we're phonies ourselves.

i'll get back to this. right now i have to leave for second period.

i'm not purposely being defiant. i'm just a lazy fuckaaaaaaa!

i sat through all of sixth period journalism today, doing absolutely nothing. at the end of class, ms. anderson told me that i am "breaking her heart" with disappointment. this disheartens me to hear this!

brian wrote out my "priorities," and they go a little something like this:

  #1 guitar
  #2 amy
  #3 camera
  .
  .
  .
  .
  .
  #whogivesashit violin

what an ass! brian just wants us to be rockstars, with no hobbies.

or friends! what an ass!

after recycling with amy afterschool, i saw alan lee in the student commons. alan is my tribes alumni friend; he is 26; a gear up mentor; and one hell of a guy! coincidentally, alan is my brother's mentor. crazy shit, huh! we talked about tribes people and stuff, a tribes reunion in the works, and that the british are coming, the british are coming!

after that, we went to derek's to do calculus. this was another example of how fucking unfocused and tired of a person i am. i suck i suck i suck I RULE. i don't know. i feel above it all. i don't need math. i need crystal meth.

my real priority list:

  #1 GET THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLACE
  #2 iced tea
  #3 killing faggots

boy, oh boy, i am such a cultured optimist. really, i'm planning to off some motherfuckers soon. if i don't get a means for some sort of artistic outlet, i'm going to explode in a fury of energy and fuckedupness.

what the hell am i waiting for? y'all are going to die. except the pretty ones, and the cool ones.

-

my mom just walked in with some developed film. i didn't take that many pictures in london, but it's great to see what i did get when i was there. i also got a postcard from keir, one of my friends from london. he's traveling through parts of california and las vegas right now..... too bad he can't come up to seattle. at least i'll get to see him and helen this coming august. i miss those guys!

-

KAPOW!

i went to church today.

i got up this morning, a little sluggish, but not that much. i wasn't hung over. i ate a lot right before i went to anthony's yesterday... catfish, jo-jo's, a roast beef melt sandwich, chips... plus i didn't have as much as the motherfuckers who were puking or passing out last night. amy is fucking hardcore, she had twice as much as me and probably more than most of the other people, and she was just fine.

fine!

during church today, i didn't see the kid with the fat-ass ugly mullet that i usually see. that shit is ugly! he looks like a fucking hick too. i did see the big-ass black dude that lives down the street from me. he always says "hi" when i walk down the hill from skyway market. I SEE BLACK PEOPLE!!!

after seeing my t-shirt accessorizing the batman costume i had on from amy, anthony's brother let me borrow the photo biography of che guevara, by korda. micah was getting pretty into it last night, and i had to take it from him. i'm going to have to take a look at that shiiit today. VIVA LA REVOLUCION.

no calculus meeting today? but i thought..... oh, who gives a shit. muckerheide hates us anyway, since that faggot-ass sonovabitch derek emailed the message, "what the fuck is this shit" to him. you don't just disrespect the muck, and get away with it. he's plotting our deaths, or even in the stage of IMPLEMENTATION of his plan for REVENGE against the calculus nerds. we're not even bonafide nerds, because we don't really do shit to try to learn the material.

i bought some rice pudding and two sobe drinks at safeway today. yum! i need more protein in my diet. i think the next time that i go to costco, i'm going to buy tons of soy drinks and tofu. INDIAN CUISINE LIKE A MOTHERFUCKERRRRR.

errrrr.

god, i don't want to do homework right now. i just want to rest, or just stare at either the ceiling or my carpet. i just did a little weight-lifiting today, just like i did yesterday, and i notice no difference right now. why do i even do it?

there's this bottle cap from a jones soda bottle on my brother's computer desk that reads, "nothing is certain but the unforeseen." philosophical shit like that is crazy, not to mention TRITE and BORING. i'll give you all a free fortune cookie right here: y'all are fucking mules, get of yer asses and make some money and love, PEOPLE!!!

i'm deep as shit, yo.

my mom is using the telephone line right now, so i can't blog this yet. i guess i'll right some more.

goddamnit, yesterday at anthony's, i left those cd's that brian made for me. one of them was a cd with full of video files... i want to look at them right now. scott wylen, the lead singer from stone temple pilots, dances all crazy and shit. it's the stuff heroes are made of.

i bet girls would love me a hundred times more if i could dance like scott wylen. at least, all the gay boys would love me a hundred times more if i could dance like scott wylen, because he dances in a really gay, YET SUPERFUCKING COOL, way.

the way. what way, do you say, i should take? i'm already on this path to enlightenment, i don't think i need any detours or subroutes to fuck up my main goal.

i'm planning to join the swim team, but the thing is, i can't fucking swim! i'll die! and muckerheide is the swim team coach! that's fucking crazy!

i drink a lot of water and milk. my triad of essential beverages would be complete, if i had some orange juice. jugo anaranjado!

sometimes, i feel like such a fucking loser, but right now isn't one of those times. i'm super, thanks for asking. halloween is this week! going to that halloween party sort of drained the enthusiasm, but not totally if we went TRICK OR TREATING!

i wonder how many people actually read my blogs all the way through. i know i don't read other people's stuff all the way through, but that may just because i'm lazy, or that i don't give a fuck.

you guys should all wash your hands and take your vitamin c pills, i know i am. the flu season is when?

i need a new jacket. i wore minh-tu's jacket to church today, and i used the blistex chapstick in her coat pocket. i didn't use the lip gloss though, because i don't want my dad to think i'm THAT fruity.

i get intimidated by good-looking people. again, at church, i was pissed to see that eric lape was wearing the puma jacket that i wanted! that fucker! both of the lape brothers have a great sense of style..... eric makes me mad that i don't have the facial hair genes that my dad has. i want a beard or goatee! i look like such a fucking boy!

when my friends and i become rockstars, we have to promise ourselves to stay down to earth, and have parties at anthony's like we always have.

brian and i agree that the only way for us to make it in this world is if we become GUITAR GODS. my mom just ordered me a new violin, so i have to wait to get a new guitar until this christmas. CHRIST, i need fucking equipment. why can't it just rain P.A.'s?

how many of you are laughing at our dreams?

*sigh*

just you guys wait and see!

max was jamming out on the kiddie bongo with brian yesterday. i can't play scales for shit anymore. they were all probably thinking, "what an ass!"

i wish girls could love me for who i am, but that's just not possible. I HAVE TO GET FUCKING FAMOUS, to get anything in this world. those cash money millionaires must have it all. gator boots.......

psyche. i really don't believe that. i'm a cash money millionaire, in my own respect. i have a great family, great friends, and i eat plenty. ryan brown is a king. i feel that blog, AND it ends with my name mentioned.

i need a hug.

-

update: it turns out, there is a calculus meeting. fuck. rj just called me, after i just awoke from a nap, and it felt like it was night time already. but it's only six o'clock. i'm a fucking slug. i guess i have to go though, but whatever. FUCK SCHOOL. i feel like shit.